Fear of Tears

I seem to be stuck with the fear of tears these days. Where is it appropriate to cry and with whom can I cry? I may not cry in front of my father, but I am one who finds it almost impossible NOT to cry when I am frustrated, sad, or vulnerable. My tears are near the surface these days and I do not want to share them with everyone, it is a far too vulnerable place. Thinking of surgery tomorrow, I am reminded that I often begin to tear up when they tape the IV to my arm, and confine me to a hospital bed wearing that stylish gown. I have no fear of needles, I just hate being so dependent upon those caring for me. Few things make me feel as helpless as this hospital routine. It is anything but routine for me. I also remember that I usually come out of anesthetic crying. It is pure hell to think of how vulnerable I am going to be tomorrow; how dependent on my friends. God, I hate crying and I do it so much lately.

In the Genesis story of Joseph and his brothers, you may remember that after being sold into slavery by his brothers, Joseph becomes governor of Egypt and in charge of the food rations. His brothers come to Egypt begging to buy food to take back to their family during a famine. They do not recognize the now mature Joseph, but he recognizes them. He taunts them at first making them jump through hoops to get what they want and taking his revenge. But his heart is heavy. At first, when he is moved to tears he excuses himself and cries in private. But eventually he can no longer hold it back and he, "wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard it and the household of Pharaoh heard it.” (genesis 45:2) In her book, To Begin Again, Naomi Levi writes that, “Perhaps in those tears was the pain of looking into the eyes of a brother and seeing a stranger. And perhaps in those tears was the joy of looking into the eyes of a stranger and seeing a brother.”

I think I am afraid of what I will see through my tears and what others will see through my tears. How will I react to others when the tears come and how will they react to me? I know that my tears will be layered with far more than surgery and my vulnerability is much deeper than being without my clothes in a hospital bed. I don’t think I could bear up if it all came blurting out; my real fears; my real disappointments; my real vulnerability. I can still hear my father warning me not to cry before my grandfather’s funeral. On one hand it would have been an embarrassment for him and he would not permit my weakness. On the other hand he was protecting me, showing me the only way he knew to survive this cruel world. Don’t show them your weakness.

When Joseph could no longer hold back his tears, and was unable to contain them to private moments, his tears were actually very healing. It was as if walls were torn down or callousness removed and he was able to forgive, to feel, to love and to be affectionate once more. It was the miracle of tears that enabled him to create new relationships with his brothers.

My friends will see me cry tomorrow, I don’t have much hope that I will be able to contain my tears to private moments only. Will I let it be a bonding experience to draw me closer to them? Can I show them that I am vulnerable right now? Can I stop trying to be OK for one day and just BE? I like being seen as a strong, independent and self-assured single woman, but it is quite possibly a burden and an impediment to true intimacy with those I love. Intellectually, I would choose true intimacy, but when faced with the first few minutes of uncomfortable, unfamiliar sensations will I let go, or will I revert to my tried and true toolbox containing impenetrable armor for my heart and a mask to hide the tears of vulnerability?