Trying Not to Flinch

At the beginning of the year my sole prayer for myself became, “God make me open to love.” I recognized how closed I had become in an effort to protect my heart. For those who have been hurt it is a persistent struggle to teach our hearts to be open. Whether it is pain experienced in friendships, jobs, churches or intimate relationships, the scars can become restricting. The desire to protect ourselves from pain is natural and even makes sense at times. But, I was aware of the potential to rob myself of all the love and enjoyment that I could be experiencing. There are so many ways that we allow the tragedies of the past to destroy our present. Hard as it may be, I have vowed not to let pain, and disappointment keep me from experiencing love and relationship now and in the future. I am trying not to flinch.

Naomi Levi writes, “The blows we endure in our lives usually come from the outside. But the worst torture is the one we inflict upon ourselves. Each and every one of us knows this curse all too well. Sooner or later we all find ourselves reacting not to the present event before us but to some old hurt, some distant wound. We are all aware of the pieces of ourselves that we have let die because of some pain that took place in the past. Perhaps we have lost our ability to trust, or to love, or to believe that our lives can and will get better. That’s what happens when the past invades and destroys the present."

Since making this simple prayer my mantra, I have made new friends and deepened some old friendships. Beyond the relationships I would label as friendships, I have seen and experienced a world that cares and nurtures. There is nothing like being dependent upon others to make that unavoidably clear. As I prepared to go to surgery, a very sweet nurse bent the rules to allow two friends to hold my hands and pray for me when the rules allowed for only one companion. As they let go of my hands I began to tear. I did not tear up when I was taped to the IV, as I had anticipated, but when I could no longer feel their touch and see their assuring faces. To my surprise, total strangers stepped in with reassuring eyes, and humor. Then, Dr. Patterson with is smiling face began to tell everyone that I am allergic to every adhesive known to him; that I have a history of breaking open stitches and making him redo his handiwork. Somehow in his recollection of me being other than the easiest patient, he makes me laugh and reassures me that he will be looking after me.

By the end of the day, friends had helped me put on my underwear (no small feat when on pain meds; held my hair while I vomited in the car and rubbed my arm until I stopped shaking and crying for no apparent reason after getting in my own bed. It was one small step for my friends and one hefty leap for this one who guards her independence, not to mention privacy. I know this is just preparation, bringing me one step closer to really embracing the loving, nurturing world in which I live, in which my heart will sometimes be heavy with grief or disappointment and yet I will try not to flinch. I will try not to resist the love that comes my way.

A Prayer from Levi:

It is hard to trust when we have been hurt. It is hard to hope again when we have known tragedy. It is hard to stop flinching, to stop responding to past pains. It is hard to face the present with an open heart. Help me, God. Restore me. Revive in me all the optimism that I once had. Remind me of the person I used to be. Help me to return to life, to openness, and to You, my God. Amen.